"it doesn't hurt anymore."

it doesn't hurt anymore.

when you and the thoughts of you invade my internal space, i repeat these words over and over until i'm rocking and shaking and stopping my daily task to escalate this statement into a mantra that forces me to keep breathing. you hurt me so bad and i let you do it to me because i thought that was how things worked. you were looking for someone experienced and as i've never stepped out of my house to observe, how could i have known you held the script of true partnership between your fingers?

you should have held my fingers.

but instead you had to be right and i was dropped into the crater of abandoned souls who were too good for you. i was generously welcomed, almost able to smile at my surroundings, but it was hard to see due to the tears of hurt that drew up between my eyelids.

"oh, the pain the pain the pain." i cried.

i spent many hours inside that hole. and these hours eventually transformed to days, which transformed to weeks and shifted into months. on my highs i attempted to climb out, almost succeeding. on my lows i dug deeper and wrapped the dirt of my memories around me like a blanket because i was alone. so alone. the rocks and clods of dirt could do nothing but weigh me down and catch my tears. i was stuck.

until one morn when the sun shined brighter and the space seemed suffocating and the weight was the gone and my cheeks were dry, so i...finally...climbed out.

+ + +

for the longest time i've gotten away with lying to myself. it wasn't until recently that i noticed i have a choice. i've always had a choice. so i chose and now i'm free.

choose wisely my friends.

xx Nicole Rose