Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me.

(A writing piece from 2014.)

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me, because me is fragile and doesn’t speak up for herself. She doesn’t like other people and she takes on the burdens of others. She knows no one understands and thinks that perhaps no one will because she’s a constantly changing soul that is slowly and painfully progressing toward death. She tries too hard and enjoys shadows more than she does the light. But even then she craves it. She craves the light because the light is blinding and shining and uplifting. She sees others in the light and thinks “Oh, I wish that were me because look at how amazing they are.”

Why isn’t she in the light? Why doesn’t she just step out and let it shine down on her? Because she’s scared that she’s unworthy. She’s scared others will see her in the light and step away or worse - push her out. She craves acceptance into the light but knows if she tries there’s that small, humanizing chance that it won’t work out.

And if it didn’t, where would she be left to go?

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Reading this, and knowing the things I know now makes me smile. I used to feel so helpless (and write so dramatically), thinking I wouldn't ever get my turn in the light, especially after all my failed attempts at trying.

But transitioning into the light isn't something you can just jump into. It's a gradual change - you have to ease into it, or risk burning yourself to a crisp. So take head in this scripture and remind yourself dear soul; you are meant to be you and you will have your chance to shine.

"I returned and saw under the sun that - the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to men of understanding, nor favor to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all."

Thank you for reading. <3

xx Nicole Rose